xraystar

Again, it's been a while! At the moment, my house is silent, I am hands free, alone, and getting a lot done. Mostly make work, cleaning type stuff, but none the less, I feel good. Parenthood has been pretty all-encompasing lately, especially during the day when it's just me. Not bad, or anything, just different. I'm getting used to all the things we do, figuring out what in the world you do with a new born. Last night, he slept for almost 6 hours. I followed some breast feeding advice from a public health nurse, and wow. good show. It's not as crazy as it seems, though, he's been sleeping about 4-5 hours consistently for almost 2 weeks, now. but still! Go Darwin!

When he wakes up from this nap, I'm going to feed him then take him for a walk. it's a pretty nice day out there, and I'm loving the snugli thing I've got to walk him in. Still no stroller! ( I almost caved a week ago, but presisted and I'm glad I did. )

No man is an Island, entire of it self; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; if a cloud be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friends or of thine own were, any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.
John Donne

My last shift ended this morning. And, much to my huge surprise, not only was the last shift of the May Long Weekend *not* BUSY, IT Was nearly *perfect*. I did my First patient of the night 25 minutes before the end of my shift. Wow. 500 clams for 5 minutes of work. Isn't that like the equivalent of 6000$ per hour?

WTF?

I'm feeling kind of sad to be gone for a year, anticipating everyone I know and love to be gone by the time I get back (not founded on anything, just idle worry) And still not really fully realising the implications of this whole pregnancy thing. And, I'm hungry. I should go take care of that

But I'm at a loss for words and inspiration lately. Chris and I did a blitz on house things this weekend, cleaning, laundry, fix-it type stuff. But I feel really good about how I am entering into this mothering thing. I feel really prepared (house and life wise, of course, who knows what this bugger will bring literally) and not rushed or stressed. Sure, there always seems like there is one more thing I need, but really, I think that is just me filling the time that I have left over now that I have everything done. I've said this a million times: but I'm glad that I am still working. The balance I feel about having things done and not being stir crazy has been met this way quite perfectly.

I did some knitting this week: made a pair of slipper/socks with a neet new style/pattern. pretty comfy, too. :)
Made/Making a Dharma onesie inspired by a baby seen in LOST
Still waiting on my Megadeth "Tour of Doodie" Onesie .... I guess I should be patient, I did only order it 10 days ago.
Boobs are getting sore and a bit bigger. Could this be a sign? And I'm losing that "plug" bit by bit .....

all these people are promising me that the last trimester of pregnancy dragged sooooooo loooooong that you feel like a whale and you have been that big for a year .... yeah.. not so much.

I can't believe how fast this is going.

But on Tuesday, I finished a book within 24 hours of buying it, and within 12 hours of opening it. I even slept and played nintendo for a while somewhere in there.

Now, I don't really recommend this book, I get it and everything, but it was pretty annoying, and so vulgar, I don't even think Beau would get a lot out of it.

I've also stocked my freezer with 3 days worth of split pea soup, 3 days worth of chili, 3 days worth of lasagne, and I still need to make the chicken caserole. I'm well on my way to having prepared even what I'm going to have for dinner when this baby comes. I can't believe how much I'm not procrastinating. (I even have the car seat in the car, but that's just because we needed it to go shopping with Eric.)

It's almost time to start planting things outside, which I will not be able to do since it requires a lot of bending over which is amazingly hard to do when you have a canteloupe deeply embedded into your pelvis, but maybe someone will help me :) I'm in need of some  herbs, and I think carrots and beans. I need beans to catch me a rabbit :) I wonder if Andrea has a spade .....

every once in a while my boobies leak funny juice. I know they are getting ready, but it's still weird.

I am so tired. I'm getting things done today (so that Chris comes home to a nice homey place, not some dump with dishes and compost and dirty laundry strewn about the place), but I'm resting every 5 minutes it feels.

I've got a helper at work, which is weird, but getting better. I'm just not used to other people helping me at work. I'm sure I'll come to require it in a few more days :)

every day brings me closer to meeting the little bugger. I can't wait, and yet a little bit of me still thinks this is so fucking strange. Biology is wacky.

I'm a bit worried that sex is never going to be the way I remember it. I feel like I should get in as much as I can before it's too late....

my hair is getting long again, and I've colored it, so I feel like my old self a bit again, after going so long all insecure about looking like a boy.

While I was at work this weekend, I met one of my neighbors. He's pretty distinctive looking, so when I saw him walking down the street, I immediately noticed, and chatted with him the next day. Turns out he's a dad of a 16 month old, and a comic book writer. We had a conversation about what kind of comics he likes to write, and when he said he was more on the horror/zombie end of things, I mentioned that I was named after a Horror movie, and, get this: He actually *got* it when I told him  my name. Not many people have ever gotten the reference.

Note to self: watch that movie again. I don't remember it that well .....

But very very soon, I'll be all adult and stuff. Bi-fucking-zarre.

I'm pretty sure that the only thing that has consistently made me cry in the last 10 years is my family. Yeah, sure, I've cried over other things, but there is this loneliness underneath it. It's either missing my mom and the George family or not knowing what to do about my Dad. I'm at the point where I really don't think I want a relationship with him. I feel like life would be better and happier if I could just forget he was ever part of my life. And, although I feel awful for thinking it, let alone saying it, I don't really think it's unfair. I've acquired enough baggage and guilt, and tried hard enough to "make things right", but really? What is there left that *I* can do to make it right? Every time I think about him, or that part of my life, I agonize for days (at least) about what I would say, what I want to say, what I should say, and then none of it ever gets said. It's just a useless stress.

I don't think I can do anything about the fact that, to him, I walked away. He seems endlessly bitter and obtusely selfish about the whole thing. Time and time again, he forgets the hours I spent on the phone with him when I first moved, only to wane because he stopped calling me back, and started claiming to come over, and then never following through, which slowly turned into less and less interest (on his part first, then mine) when I was in Winnipeg to visit. After making one more crack at "being a good daughter" when he was going through a rough time, I was met, again, with the resounding sound of no effort on the other end. All the insinuation, though.

I know one of the most important things in life to do is forgive, And I think I can do that. I think I know why our relationship makes him act the way it does, I just don't want it anymore. Does me "giving up" imply running away or not forgiving? I know the answer, I just don't feel it. Besides, how would one break up with her dad? Especially when every time I talk to him I'm reduced to 5 year old adoring status because I just want him to fucking love me? Sure, there are millions of people out there less fortunate than me who have no father, and it seems I'm being an ungrateful snot for throwing mine away. But Fuck that. He figuratively walked away from me with the leash dangling always meters behind him years ago.

I just finished reading "The Pluto Files" by Neil DeGrasse Tyson. It was a good read, some good funny bits, and just really informative. Clearly written for children, as well as adults, and chronicling the life and times and eventual fall of Pluto from it's planet status. I wonder what your ideas on the subject are, if you are aware of the "controversy". And, for those of you interested in a bit of light reading (irony, since it's technically astrophysics-ish), I'd highly recommend it! And, comment: Mad at it's designation stripped, or mad that emotions are getting in the way of science?

Definitely Pride. On a daily if not minutely basis. So against my philosophical upbringing, too.

Well, Chris and I are in. At the moment, it's just me, since he is in Brazil right now, but you know what I mean. It's technically been about a week, and the house is almost completely made into a home. There are a few tweaks needed, yet. If you can believe it, 30 linear meters is not enough bookshelf space for us. So, I need to go get more shelving. :P

But, otherwise, I've gotten used to the washing machine, I think  I've figured out the load size, soap requirements, etc. But, It takes more than twice as long to air-dry a load! eek! I think that's just because it's cooler downstairs than it ever was in the apartment. I'm sure we'll get used to it. I can dry more, now, with my fancy new drying rack. So, all is good. I can still do one load a day if I need to.

I really need Chris to be here right now. But he's not, so I guess I have to deal. At least I can expand the reach of my bed-nest. On that note, I think I'm going to go read a few more pages of "The Name of the Rose" and pass out.

I've  been thinking a lot about childhood lately. I guess for pretty obvious reasons, since the topic of parenting and what to let your kids "get away with" is high in my mind.

Despite some pretty serious on paper "disfunction", I really truly think I had a great childhood. I severly pushed the boundries of what was legal, let alone allowed, did lots of really terrible stuff, and learned a whole heck of a lot from it, but in the end, I think what stopped me was that my family and upbringing did a really good job of teaching me the difference between reality and fiction, right and wrong, and also what it means to be loved, and respected and approached honestly. They gave me boundries, but did not nitpick within those, and really explained most things that were hard to talk about.

I've realised that given an audience (that wants to hear it or not) I can go on with (what I think are entertaining) endless stories of childhood badassery, exploration, fun, games, fire, and some pretty significant run ins with the authorities. But man, was it fun. I learned so much growing up. I was "smart" and fun, and optimistic, and idealistic. Well, except about "love". :) it's really just mutual dependance, you know.

My childhood, was one to be remembered, and cherished and thankful that I had it and had the opportunity to have it. I hope I can have half the parenting skills that I was exposed to so that my child can explore independantly and smartly.

well, it seems that I've been a bit mistaken as to what is movement of my bebe and what is not. Not so much on the what is, cause I've noticed the "flutter" type movement for a while, but I've been misinterpreting these other  "feelings" and "aches" in my uterus, thinking that they are stretching due to growing baby and general other movement. Turns out, it's a dancing baby. Maddie is a bit of a gymnast. S/He's been a mover and a shaker for a few weeks now. I spent a good 40 minutes in the bathtub today *watching* him move. There was one point where I watched him move my hand, which was resting on my belly. It was pretty cool. I got tweaked to it when I lay on my back for my uterus check at the prenatal appointment on Monday, feeling that "feeling" and then *hearing* him move on the fetal heart rate Ultrasound Machine, and the Midwife commenting again about how much s/he moves around. On the first appointment, they couldn't even get a heartrate cause s/he moved so much. The second one was hard too, but at least doable, and this one, again was a challenge. In all fairness, S/he loves moving around in the early/mid afternoon, which is when these appointments have been. I guess I've just assumed that movement is more like a jabbing "kick" rather than a slow turn, kind of more like a sliding feeling.

I kind of feel like that charachter at the beginning of Alien 2  .... You know the scene I'm talking about .....

So, I'm having a hard time with Christmas this year, just because it seems that everyone we know, and our culture in general, is one that just buys all the time what they need or want. So, my question is this:

What should you do for gifts to those who have it all or do not need anything?

I received in the mail today an anthology of "empowering womens' stories" in which, I am a contributor! Look at me, the published author. And, my story is placed second in the order of things, either meaning, I'm the second best, or was the second person to successfully submit their words. I'm going to pretend that it's the former :) I like things better that way.

I just spent the night first babysitting, then hanging out with Ryan and Andrea. They went out for dinner, and I stayed at home with Eric. He is such a good baby, it never ceases to amaze me. I know I'll never be half as lucky as her, but man, what an angel. (You know me,and how that kind of thing does not exit my mouth) He did not fuss once the whole night, despite the fact that he did not get one of his naps, and was obviously tired, he ate when I fed him, and then giggled while I changed him, and then fell asleep in my arms while I told him a story. Ryan was a bit sad cause Eric never falls asleep like that for him, and then took about a hundred pictures of him sleeping on me. Then we continued to talk for an hour before he woke up in my arms.

To top off the night, then I hung out for another 2 hours with Andrea and Ryan just shooting the shit. talking about the future, about being a parent, work, family. It was really nice.

the house is bought, the bank has agreed to pay for it. We have agreed to pay the bank for it. We move in in a little more than a month. We got a fair mortgage, fair insurance, and a fair house. It's in a location that we love, that we know, that is convenient to everything. I'll be living next door to an old, magnificent friend, and her young child(ren). I have stairs, for my bum, and hardwood for Mel. In 2 months, I'm going to be decorating my Maddie's room. Baking bread in my new oven, which is in my new kitchen. then I will eat it with honey in my new living room with my new Baby Daddy.

This coming Christmas is my 7th with Chris. We've done a lot as a couple in that time, we've grown apart, we've grown together, we've grown up, we've even grown out a little ;) We've been through all those nasties that adult life throws out at you, and a whole lot of not nasties. It's been a wonderful ride, and I hope what comes strengthens that, cause I've never wanted so honestly to not want something to end as I do my life with him. I don't need the superstition of a tattoo, or a ring, or a sign from God. We're really truly family now, just like we were always meant to be.

Wow. Merry Christmas.

I guess we're moving ... and kind of soon, too.

WoWzErZ!

I done grown up fast.